To do my bit for the environment, I am mostly meat free these days. Instead of chicken tikka, I have Tarka daal. My lamb tagine is now replaced with a vegetarian one. All these pulses mean I do spend more time in the comfort room, but I buy recycled toiler paper to offset this.
One Sunday afternoon after some butter bean stew, I notice I am running low on toilet roll. As the only alternative activity I have planned is watching M** Un***d on telly, I decide to stock up on bath tissue. I pop to my local Tesco but find no toilet paper left, even the super cheap Springforce brand has done a Lord Lucan. Despite the Corona virus affecting the lungs, people seem to think it causes chocolate thunder.
With the butter beans now causing trouser coughs, I drive to the local shopping centre to buy my toilet roll from Marks and Spencer. I would like to report that I didn’t just use any toilet paper, I used M&S toilet paper! Sadly, panic buying has spread to the quinoa eating classes, there is no bill of rights to be had there either.
The frantic walking around the shops of London has caused the fizzledinger to build up to critical levels. I need to go somewhere, even if it is the toilet of last resort, the shopping center conveniences.
The stall smells of stale sweat and wee, there is a strange puddle on the floor. The toilet paper is both too hard and too thin at once. The sink is filthy and the soap dispenser nearly empty. The Dyson hand dryer has strange hairs at the bottom. I drive home, hoping my partner has managed to find some toilet paper somewhere.
Panic buying bastards!
As reviewed by
Lou Rolls
Toilets Around the World 