Toilets Around the World pt70 – Somewhere in the Home Counties

As a man of a certain age, I have hair in places where hair should not be and think most modern music is ****. Speaking of bowel movements, a journey on the M25 does funny things to the nether regions of the middle aged, so on arrival in the Home Counties, I have a desperate urge to use the conveniences.

Fans of the facilities reviewed in Toilets Around the World pt58 will appreciate the colours of the wall and floor tiles, it also smells lovely. However, the toilets are far too low for a British bottom. Moreover, at 0810 in the morning, someone has already left bodily fluids on the toilet seat. The, the sink is the shape of a urinal (albeit at an odd height for a urinal), this may lead to confusion. Despite three soap dispensers being available, there is no soap in any of them. This meant that your reviewer had to wash his hands in Fairy Liquid from the kitchen and has dry skin as a result.

As reviewed by Loo Reed


Toilets around the world pt69 – The Piano Works, London

To ‘celebrate’ the fact that the offices of The Corporation are moving out of London, The Corporation has organised a work night out in the aforementioned city. Thankfully, the Piano Works is celebrates the best parts of London such as it’s diversity and I get in to the spirit on things by drinking beverages from Italy, the Czech Republic and the USA in quick succession. Sadly the spirit of UKIP invades me like a particularly malignant cancer and I feel I must remove the diversity from this body of Albion so I head to the little boys room.

The room is well lit and because it is only early, clean. Inside the urinals, I find a goal with a ball attached to it. For some this may be an amusing pun, but for my part I feel sorry for the child who has to do without their Subbuteto set. One has to wonder what childs toy related puns are awaiting those who use the ladies powder rooms.

As reviewed by

Ronnie Weelan

Toilets around the World pt68 – Old Street Records, London

An unusually poorly lit toilet. Had I taken a Berocca it would have given my outflow a certain luminosity. However, I only take the stuff after a night out and not before. To avoid making a mess on the floor, I had to aim at the white object in the corner and hope it was a urinal and not a person, I think it was the former and I apologise to you sir if it was the latter.

As reviewed by

Loo Reed

Toilets Around the World pt67 – A British Airbus A319 somewhere over Europe

The previous user of this convenience took long long time to do their business. So much so that I assumed that they were not just dropping off their own passengers but also those of everyone flying out of Heathrow today!

When I finally got the opportunity to lower my own undercarriage, I began to understand why a splash and dash is not an option on an Airbus. This was possibly the smallest wash room I have ever used. Every movement had to be made carefully to avoid injury or splash back and this was before you even performed your movements! Upon washing my hands, I discovered that the soap was likely to land on ones clothing and not ones hands, necessitating another slower attempt to was my hands and clothes. I dread to think how a larger person would cope.

As reviewed by 

Sir Frank Widdle

Toilets around the world pt66- A brand spanking new office in Apsley, Hertfordshire

Some will remember 2017 as the year that a Theresa May flushed away a perfectly good majority with by using an electoral campaign slogan that sounded like a bog roll advert. Others will remember as the year that the slang term ‘voting for a president’ took on another meaning. For me, 2017 will always be the year that I used a brand new unsullied toilet not once but twice! The first new convenience was reviewed in pt58 of this esteemed journal, my second experience of freshly baked porcelain took place in a village called Apsley deep in the bowels of Hertfordshire. 

While on a tour or a new office building, I realised that the brand new offices had brand new toilets and despite the fact that I had only drank 1/2 cup of water since my last visit to the bathroom, it was too good an opportunity to miss. This toilet was so new that the builders had not even removed the protective cladding from the tiles, thankfully the sink and urinal had been plumbed in. Despite the lack of light (unfinished business?), I managed to squeeze out a (whatever the Hertfordshire slang term for a Jimmy Riddle is) and avoid splashing the floor, before washing my hands and drying them. An unfulfilling experience, sometimes being the first is not the best!
As reviewed by Walter Closet

Toilets around the world pt65 – Tabure Restaurant, St Albans

Tabure serves nice food to the kind of nice middle class people that make you wish you could persuade your better half to move to St Albans. The humous is better than Sainsbury’s but not as good as Yarden, the cod nice and the waiter has the type of moustache that would make a Spitfire pilot proud. The toilets are clean and have good soap, however they are unisex. This puts the kind of man who has toilet hangups off using one for a really big no2, it would not be nice to frighten a lady.

As reviewed by Arnie Tago

Toilets Around the World pt64 – At a wedding in Ashdod, Israel

Nearly sixty years ago, in a movie called Ice Cold in Alex, Sir John Mills quenched his thirst with an ice cold Carlsberg. In a nearby part of the world, at a wedding where I know nobody, I am honouring the Kula Shaker front man’s grandfather by using a Carlsberg to quench my thirst for ……… a decent conversation.

Three small glasses of the only good thing to come out of Denmark apart from Jan Mølby later, I am in deep shit with the better half for drinking so much and toying with switching up to spirits. Most of all, I am in need of a trip to the little (even more so since most men here do not have a foreskin) boys room. In an odour free and spotless room, I look for a urinal but find both urinals are filled with ice. Why are the urinals filled with ice and? I guess I will never know. After a I release a stream of Danegeld, there is a who lot less ice than before. I have still not decided if I need that double vodka.

As reviewed by Shay Rootayim