Toilets around the world pt66- A brand spanking new office in Apsley, Hertfordshire

Some will remember 2017 as the year that a Theresa May flushed away a perfectly good majority with by using an electoral campaign slogan that sounded like a bog roll advert. Others will remember as the year that the slang term ‘voting for a president’ took on another meaning. For me, 2017 will always be the year that I used a brand new unsullied toilet not once but twice! The first new convenience was reviewed in pt58 of this esteemed journal, my second experience of freshly baked porcelain took place in a village called Apsley deep in the bowels of Hertfordshire. 

While on a tour or a new office building, I realised that the brand new offices had brand new toilets and despite the fact that I had only drank 1/2 cup of water since my last visit to the bathroom, it was too good an opportunity to miss. This toilet was so new that the builders had not even removed the protective cladding from the tiles, thankfully the sink and urinal had been plumbed in. Despite the lack of light (unfinished business?), I managed to squeeze out a (whatever the Hertfordshire slang term for a Jimmy Riddle is) and avoid splashing the floor, before washing my hands and drying them. An unfulfilling experience, sometimes being the first is not the best!
As reviewed by Walter Closet

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Toilets around the world pt65 – Tabure Restaurant, St Albans

Tabure serves nice food to the kind of nice middle class people that make you wish you could persuade your better half to move to St Albans. The humous is better than Sainsbury’s but not as good as Yarden, the cod nice and the waiter has the type of moustache that would make a Spitfire pilot proud. The toilets are clean and have good soap, however they are unisex. This puts the kind of man who has toilet hangups off using one for a really big no2, it would not be nice to frighten a lady.

As reviewed by Arnie Tago

Toilets Around the World pt64 – At a wedding in Ashdod, Israel

Nearly sixty years ago, in a movie called Ice Cold in Alex, Sir John Mills quenched his thirst with an ice cold Carlsberg. In a nearby part of the world, at a wedding where I know nobody, I am honouring the Kula Shaker front man’s grandfather by using a Carlsberg to quench my thirst for ……… a decent conversation.

Three small glasses of the only good thing to come out of Denmark apart from Jan Mølby later, I am in deep shit with the better half for drinking so much and toying with switching up to spirits. Most of all, I am in need of a trip to the little (even more so since most men here do not have a foreskin) boys room. In an odour free and spotless room, I look for a urinal but find both urinals are filled with ice. Why are the urinals filled with ice and? I guess I will never know. After a I release a stream of Danegeld, there is a who lot less ice than before. I have still not decided if I need that double vodka.

As reviewed by Shay Rootayim

Toilets around the world pt63 – A Technology Park in Shoham, Israel

The Silicon Wadi has finally produced a chilli sauce that this son of Northern England would call spicy. Having quenched the heat of the desert and the heat of the chilli with a Goldstar, a trip to the little yaladim’s room is in order.

The convenience is reasonably lit. I can see that it is kept clean as there is an an actual lady in the mens room cleaning it. Not wishing that lady sees me pass my judgement on, I make my exit.

As reviewed by Shay Rootayim.

Toilets Around the World pt62 – British airways Boeing 787 somewhere over the Greek islands

Upon opening the door of this toilet, one is greeted by pleasing ambient royal blue light. However, once the door is locked, the aforementioned ambient blue light is replaced by harsh normal light. This harsh light is pleasing as it enables your viewer to find and pop an errant whitehead, but less pleasing as your reviewer can now see the mess the previous user left this convenience in. With the sounds of the person in the next cubicle emptying their bowels all too audible, your reviewer cleans the convenience, hoping there is enough toilet paper for them to wipe their undercarriage after dirty bombing the Greek Islands below. Some time later, your reviewer is finally ready to let the contents of his bowels begin their final decent, only to discover the toilet seat will not hold steady against the wall.

The toilet of the Dreamliner, is neither a good dream not a bad one. Rather it's the weird dream you have when your body is telling you that you need to empty your bowels as soon as you wake up. At least the soap was good.

As reviewed by Sir Frank Widdle
(Aviation correspondent)

Toilets around the world pt61 – The Golden Heart, East London

In find myself on the Commercial Road in East London, the home of Cockney Rhyming Slang. Unsurprisingly in a field of wheat with a name like this, I need to do business, but it is the business that you do after a couple of bottles of  Pigs Ear, rather than a more traditional East End business such as selling jellied eels, extortion or killing prostitutes.
Herein presents a dilemma, at the back of the rub a dub are two Bobby Moore’s, neither with any sign on them. Unsure which Bobby Moore to enter, I choose the one on the left, thankfully this is is the little boys room.

I am greeted by a turquoise lavatory, a turquoise sink, turquoise urinals and turquoise soap. It’s as if the hipsters have decided that the horrid bathroom that put us off making an offer on a flat a few years ago, is now cool (note that many things that Mr & Mrs Closet think are horrid are cool). I see all this, as there is no extra privacy door meaning that a confused lady in need of a lady wee may walk in on you emptying your bowels.

Later in the evening, I discover this is a common occurrence in this part of the world, the hipsters clearly have a fetish for watching people have a private moment. Not having a beard, a desire to drink anything out of a jar, or have my work colleagues see me on the lavatory, I do my dairlylea quickly and leave.

As reviewed by Walter Closet.

Toilets around the world pt60 – Daisy’s in the Park, Radlett. Herts

I find myself in Radlett, once a quiet farming village, now an upmarket commuter town and chance upon Daisy’s in the Park as a convenient family friendly looking place for lunch. My beef brisket sandwich had too much brown sauce and my daughters fish finger sandwich is greasy. At least the Fanta is good.

Half an hour later, I am driving home and my belly is digesting my sandwich, when the enormity of my actions dawns on me. My god, I have taken my family to eat in a decommissioned public toilet. The last time I was in here, a tramp had just done a no2 on the floor! What kind of human am I? I am a bad bad bad man, I need to be flogged in public, I took my children to a public toilet to eat.
As reviewed by Spen Dapenney