Toilets around the world pt61 – The Golden Heart, East London

In find myself on the Commercial Road in East London, the home of Cockney Rhyming Slang. Unsurprisingly in a field of wheat with a name like this, I need to do business, but it is the business that you do after a couple of bottles of  Pigs Ear, rather than a more traditional East End business such as selling jellied eels, extortion or killing prostitutes.
Herein presents a dilemma, at the back of the rub a dub are two Bobby Moore’s, neither with any sign on them. Unsure which Bobby Moore to enter, I choose the one on the left, thankfully this is is the little boys room.

I am greeted by a turquoise lavatory, a turquoise sink, turquoise urinals and turquoise soap. It’s as if the hipsters have decided that the horrid bathroom that put us off making an offer on a flat a few years ago, is now cool (note that many things that Mr & Mrs Closet think are horrid are cool). I see all this, as there is no extra privacy door meaning that a confused lady in need of a lady wee may walk in on you emptying your bowels.

Later in the evening, I discover this is a common occurrence in this part of the world, the hipsters clearly have a fetish for watching people have a private moment. Not having a beard, a desire to drink anything out of a jar, or have my work colleagues see me on the lavatory, I do my dairlylea quickly and leave.

As reviewed by Walter Closet.


Toilets around the world pt60 – Daisy’s in the Park, Radlett. Herts

I find myself in Radlett, once a quiet farming village, now an upmarket commuter town and chance upon Daisy’s in the Park as a convenient family friendly looking place for lunch. My beef brisket sandwich had too much brown sauce and my daughters fish finger sandwich is greasy. At least the Fanta is good.

Half an hour later, I am driving home and my belly is digesting my sandwich, when the enormity of my actions dawns on me. My god, I have taken my family to eat in a decommissioned public toilet. The last time I was in here, a tramp had just done a no2 on the floor! What kind of human am I? I am a bad bad bad man, I need to be flogged in public, I took my children to a public toilet to eat.
As reviewed by Spen Dapenney

Toilets around the world pt59 – London Zoo

One hot afternoon in London Zoo, I found myself in need of the loo

Between the monkeys and the insects I found a convenience for a no1 or no2, (which fortunately for the animals they could not view).

The urinal was clean, the floors were too. The bathroom was a credit to the cleaning crew.

The sink was clean, the soap was blue, I quietly did what I had to do.

Then I went to see an emu

As reviewed by Walter Closet
With special thanks to the magnificent Judith Kerr

Toilets around the world pt58- My toilet, somewhere in London

I am resting my bottom on my very own throne. The frosted glass windows let the sunlight in but prevent my chronically nosey neighbours from peering in when I am dropping the kids at the pool. The bathroom is well lit with LED lights that enable me to read the catalogue. However, as this toilet has a good WiFi signal, I am surfing the internet.

After a pleasant movement, I wipe my marginally skinnier bottom (thank you, how about a freebie pair of Asics) on Tescos Luxury Soft white toilet paper, a mid range toilet paper that fits in well with this mid range part of London.

I then wash my hands with moisturised soap in a square sink, using a square combination tap. To dry my hands I use a towel from the square towel rail with round valves and exit the room; to return to my day.

A pleasant experience, well worth the 6k to get to this moment.

As reviewed by Walter Closet


With thanks to Builders Depot, Tile Depot, my brother in law Jonny, Sky Broadband, and of course Justin the builder

Toilets around the world pt57 – A water works in the West Midlands

This job to all the finest places, New York, Paris and the West Midlands to name but three. The citizens of this part of the world use recycled rain water to flush their toilets, a nice eco friendly touch. The lavatory bowl is larger than a Londoner is used to. This is not because West Midlanders have derrières the size of Mid Westerners, but because like everything else outside London, you get more for your money.
Unlike Monopoly, I didn’t have to pay £75 for this visit to the water works.
As reviewed by Loo Reed

Toilets around the world Holy Land Special Edition pt 10 – The Western Wall, Jerusalem

Following in the footsteps of King David, Jesus and Madonna, I find myself in the holy city of Jerusalem. No doubt all got caught short at some point, so in my own way I am weeing in the urinal of history.
Israel is a small country, so small that the word Israel does not fit inside Israel on most maps. Despite this, I find myself in the largest public toilet I have ever seen. There are at least 50 thrones here and 3 large banks of urinals. I actually managed to get lost in here trying to find my way out.
These conveniences are clean, considering their size, this must rank alongside Israel’s other great achievements such as the USB flash drive and the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. They also smell of the same bleach used in every synagogue toilet in the world. This is no coincidence, Deuteronomy Chapter 8 goes over this in detail.
‘And the Lord said unto Moses, go tell the children of Israel to buy Sainsburys floor cleaner to cleanse the conveniences in their houses of worship, the original stuff is fine, the lemon one smells a bit sickly.’
As cleanliness is next to godliness, soap is plentiful and hand drying facilities are decent. A pleasant way to spend a shekel

As reviewed by

Shay Rootayim

Toilets around the world pt56 – Hotel Christian IV, Copenhagen. Denmark

While Britain is still a member of the EU, your intrepid reviewer is exercising her right as an EU citizen to live, work and perform ablutions in 27 other EU counties. Prior to flying here on Easyjet (see Toilets Around the world pt14) your reviewer dined on ‘Special’ chilli chicken and broccoli. This combined with the countless cups of black coffee your reviewer has drunk since getting up at 0400 to catch a flight means that she is busting for a Michael Gove.
The toilets in this hotel have a spartan feel to them. Not Scandinavian minimalism, rather Hertfordshire County Council school building projects of the 1970s. Petrol blue linoleum carpets the floor and the sink is worn from age. The toilet is both low and low tech, but at least it is clean. Having had that large Michael Gove, your reviewer wipes her Boris with the kind of toilet paper that you used to find in pound shops, before Sterling devalued and it became too expensive for pound shops to stock. She then washes her hands on a bar of soap that lathers as easily as Jew baiting comes to Jeremy Corbyn. Your reviewer then goes off look at the headlines in a Danish newspaper and have a cry for her beloved country.

As reviewed by Donna Biggun